Cultivating Middle Age Wisely: REALationships

It’s a new age for relationships created by social networking. While social networking is useful in some respects, if not used wisely, it can give a false sense of connectivity, as well as  be counterproductive to the goal of fostering, refining and nurturing real relationships, or as I like to call them, REALationships. True relationships cannot be cultivated in 164 characters or less, nor can they blossom in an atmosphere of zero accountability. They can begin there, but they cannot be cultivated there. So, unless you are planning on being a self-sufficient, wi-fi-toting, cave-dwelling recluse, you still need to cultivate REAL relationships with REAL people who will walk with you through this messy thing called LIFE!

IS TECHNOLOGY CHANGING RELATIONSHIPS?

In an article published in The Huffington Post titled, Relationships 2.0: How Technology Redefines How We Connect, Dr. Jim Taylor talks about the differences between virtual relationships and real relationships. He states:

Just like the use of the old term, virtual reality, many people in Relationships 2.0 have what I believe are virtual relationships, yet consider them to be real relationships. Virtual relationships have all the appearances of real relationships, but they are missing essential elements that make real relationships, well, real, namely, three dimensionality, facial expressions, voice inflection, clear emotional messages, gestures, body language, physical contact, and pheromones.

He goes on to say:

These limitations don't mean that we shouldn't have virtual relationships; they can serve a valuable purpose in both our personal and professional lives. But my worry is that people are substituting real relationships for virtual ones. Rather than being just a small subset of their relationships, virtual relationships come to dominate their relationship universe. I often see groups of teenagers sitting together, but not talking, only texting. I wonder if they are texting each other!

Yes Virginia, technology is changing the way we connect with each other.  I agree with Dr. Taylor on the point that social networking is a valuable tool, both for keeping in touch with friends and family and for business connections, but it is not good for relationship cultivation. Dr. Taylor says this about that:

People can fulfill many of their needs for connection and affiliation through virtual relationships. They can present their best faces to their online community. They can get support from a vast number of people. Virtual relationships are also easy and safe. Easy because you don't have to leave your room. Safe because of their anonymity and your ability to just hit End or Delete when you want out. But they certainly lack the richness and satisfaction of real relationships.

During middle age, it is absolutely vital that we refresh our skills of cultivating REALationships. If nothing else, you will need at least four or five friends to carry your casket, and I guarantee an all-call to your Facebook friends will yield many “thoughts and prayers” for your family, but few who will actually show up to do the job!

So how do we cultivate the REALationships we already have and the new ones we may make through our technological connections? It actually gets easier in middle age because most of the need for pretense has been diminished if not destroyed completely, and that is half the battle right there! But just as a refresher, here are a few suggestions:

Be Genuine. Everyone wears different hats during the course of the day or week and so we sometimes feel like we are different things to different people. That is not a bad thing if regardless of which hat you are wearing there is a genuine person underneath it. Being genuine means being real and vulnerable; it means you make mistakes, occasionally say or do the wrong thing, or even do something right that gets misunderstood and have to bite your tongue until it bleeds. Being genuine makes you human, and being human invites connections at the heart level.

Listen and Communicate. Both the art of listening and communication are necessary for healthy relationships. Some people talk more than they listen, or listen more than they talk, so the way to cultivate healthy REALationships is to find the proper balance between the two. It may be different with each person, but take the time to find out which balance of listening and communication is needed to nurture each relationship you have be it family, friend, spouse, business or other.

Forgiveness/Grace. We are all human and therefore, we all make mistakes. By middle age, most of us have made some real doozies! Real friends stick with you or even walk through the muddy waters of life with you. At the very least, they offer encouragement and a towel when you finally come out from the mud puddle if they are not able to jump in themselves to guide you out. You may correct one another, even be firm with one another, but forgiveness and grace means withholding judgment because you understand your own fallibility and so you are able to look beyond the error of their ways to the person that you know they are.

Accountability. Own your mistakes!  Nothing breaks trust in a relationship more than never “owning up” to your own mistakes or shortcomings.  Remember, no one is perfect, including the person you are afraid of admitting something to.  If you make a mistake – and own it – and someone walks away from you as a result, they were probably not tied to your destiny anyway and you are now free to spend your energies cultivating the relationships that offer you unconditional acceptance and love. On the flipside, if you make a mistake and try to cover it up or play the blame game, you may lose that person’s trust for a long time or damage the relationship permanently. 

Practice Compassion. Understanding without judgment and caring without criticism. Practice it because it is oftentimes easier to be compassionate with strangers than with friends or even family. Rule of thumb: the most unlovable people, are the ones who need love the most. Cultivate compassion in ALL of your relationships.

Take Time! Time is a precious commodity in middle age and so is attention span which has its direct effect on our memory! But try this: next time you have five minutes, look out your window whether you’re at work or at home. Five minutes. Slow down your mind long enough to really look at the trees and the birds and the colors, see the detail in the houses and buildings and the color of the cars that drive by and the hue of the sky and notice any animals that flutter by. Feel the calming effect of really focusing on the moment and the sense the immediate connectivity you feel to your surroundings. 

Now, do this with your relationships. Take time to really pay attention to the person you are with. Be present with them. Don’t necessarily count their individual nose hairs, but pay close attention to the things that matter: what are they saying and what emotion is being expressed beyond their words? If five minutes of looking outside and paying attention to your surroundings can make you feel connected to the outside world, can you imagine how much it can do to strengthen and deepen the connection in your relationships?

Know your boundaries.Truth is, we learn by middle age that some bridges need to be burned. You may forgive someone a wrong they have done to you without inviting their unhealthy behavior back into your life, especially if the person refuses to own their bad behavior or mistakes. You know what you can handle and what you cannot so make no apology for knowing your boundaries.

Dr. Taylor sums up his article with this profound thought:

Though there is a place for online relationships, they are no substitute for the depth and breadth of real, flesh-and-blood relationships where you can see, hear, smell, touch, and sense the other person. Yes, real relationships can get messy, with hurt feelings, anger, frustration, and disappointment. But they're like two sides of the same coin; you can't have the beauty of relationships - love, joy, excitement, and contentment - without also being willing to accept its occasional blood, sweat, and tears.  And I challenge anyone who can show me that virtual relationships can provide that.

Only REALationships will sustain and nurture you through the difficult times and increase your joy exponentially in the good times. Take the time to cultivate, refine and nurture your REALationships.  It is the smartest investment you’ll ever make!

If all of that seems just too complicated, then simply follow this advice:

"Dear friends, let us love one another..."

1John 4:7 

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~

Prayer of Saint Francis of Assisi

    Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
    Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
    where there is injury,pardon;
    where there is doubt, faith;
    where there is despair, hope;
    where there is darkness, light;
    and where there is sadness, joy.

    O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
    to be consoled as to console;
    to be understood as to understand;
    to be loved as to love.
    For it is in giving that we receive;
    it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
    and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life. Amen

~Solissea

Next Post: Cultivating Grace