Cultivating Middle Age Wisely: Grace

A couple of weeks ago, a lady came to our home regarding our little 87-year old's recent move to Assisted Living. She had the pleasure of meeting my mother briefly before she left.  When I spoke to Cindy the following day, she commented how beautiful my mother was, and how happy and peaceful she looked. Then, she made this statement about her, using her hands to emphasize what she was about to say: 

She just… radiates...oh she just radiates grace!

For some reason her statement struck a chord in me.  Not that I didn't know that my mother radiated grace. In fact, I often lovingly call to her and say, "Hey Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee!" Her name is Mary, she truly is full of grace and if you knew her story, you would know the Lord truly is with her!  It amazed me that a total stranger could see so clearly in a matter of less than five minutes what we see emanating from her daily! So, when I talk about cultivating grace, this gives a real-life example of how it is possible to cultivate grace to such a degree that it is evident to others.

Defining Grace

What comes to your mind when you think about grace? Is it Divine pardon? God’s unmerited favor? Divine assistance? Is it the little prayer of gratefulness you say before meals? Is it just being nice? Is it merely elegance and beauty in movement and form? Is it an allowance of extra time to pay a bill?

Personally, I thought for years growing up that it was my nickname. I was a clumsy child, so every time I tripped over that pesky piece of lint, stumbled over my own little feet, or ran in to something accidentally, my family would say, "There goes Grace!” Later in life, I did my legal internship with a Christian sole practitioner whose business motto was Practicing Law with Grace, so everyone that walked into the office thought they were being clever by asking if I was Grace with whom he practiced law. Everybody wants to be a comedian.

But really, what is grace and how do we cultivate it? Well, I could spend weeks giving an exhaustive exegesis on Christian theology and the manifold meanings of  Divine grace, and truthfully we would barely scratch the surface.  However, the grace I had in mind for this post is more along the lines of social grace. I dare say though, that the two are very closely related as you may well see. If you would like to read an excellent, fully understandable exposition on the Christian theological view of grace, I highly recommend a book by Philip Yancey titled, What’s So Amazing About Grace?

Briefly though, the Greek word for grace used in the Bible is Charis (pronounced khar'-ece), in which Strong's concordance gives this definition:

The divine influence upon the heart, and its reflection in the life.

I have no doubt that is what Cindy saw in my mother that day.  But in addition to the charis that radiates from my mother, she practiced social graces all of her life.

Qualities of Social Grace

What are some of the qualities of a person who exemplifies or “radiates” grace? Let’s look at some answers taken from other people.  When asked what is grace and what are the qualities of being graceful, readers answered:

• A person who has a state of calmness and clarity in their spiritual relationship with God.

• A person who carries him/herself with grace is one who behaves with poise and integrity and has a good effect on those around them.

• A person who carries themselves in an elegant manner, not clumsy, classy, sophisticated, having manners, being polite, walking with purpose not just trudging along.

• A person who is full of grace would be kind, merciful and display unconditional positive regard for others regardless of how they behave or treat us.

• A person who exemplifies grace demonstrates a sense of propriety and consideration for others; they are respectful, thoughtful, charitable, kind, accommodating.

Were you able to find a description of yourself in one of those? The art of being graceful is rapidly becoming a lost art in both men and women.  I don't hold out much hope for future generations unless our generation can cultivate and refine it ourselves and then exemplify it for the younger generations.  If you are searching for something you can do in middle age to satisfy your need for generativity, cultivate grace in your life, and teach it to next generation.

So, How Do We Cultivate Grace?

One of our most endearing founding fathers devised a plan to help him cultivate virtues in his life. The goal was to help himself achieve “moral perfection.” Of course, he was unable to obtain moral perfection, but in the process of learning that impossibility, he was able to  refine 13 virtues that he felt were important.

He listed all thirteen virtues and, knowing what a monumental task it would be to conquer all thirteen at once, he selected one virtue per week and gave that one his full attention. After thirteen weeks, he cycled through the virtues again and again and for years worked on cultivating each one. In his Autobiography Ben Franklin states:

I enter'd upon the execution of this plan for self-examination, and continu'd it with occasional intermissions for some time. I was surpris'd to find myself so much fuller of faults than I had imagined; but I had the satisfaction of seeing them diminish.

It is good to know from Ben's experience that, when we set our minds to cultivate character qualities or virtues, we may achieve some measure of success if we stick to it! While you may not be as eager or disciplined as Ben Franklin was, here are some qualities of grace to be mindful of, to practice daily and to cultivate in your life.

Forgiveness. Nothing can negatively effect your composure in life more than unforgiveness. Unforgiveness, whether it is directed towards yourself or towards others, will weigh you down with all manner of negative thoughts, actions and behaviors.  It has been medically proven that if left to fester to a point of bitterness, unforgiveness will effect your health in a negative way.

The Lakota Indians have a beautiful word/concept for forgiveness: unsimala. In its original form, when someone asked for forgiveness they were giving the one they were asking an opportunity to receive a fourfold blessing. So, if you chose to forgive the person, you would receive that fourfold blessing!  That's good incentive!  In an essay titled Looking Through Lakota Eyes, by David Little Elk, he explains this further:

"Unsimala" means "I have a genuine need and I need your help". If I am need of assistance and I say "unsimala" to someone, that person has a choice to help me or not. If he/she chooses to help me, the Lakota Natural Law of Generosity goes into action. This Natural Law states that the energy a person uses to communicate with others will return to him/her fourfold. Thus, if that person chooses to help me, the result will be that he/she will be receiving good medicine fourfold (x4). And my need will be met, also. When I said "unsimala" to that person, I was presenting an opportunity for that other person to receive blessings fourfold.

Not terribly far from the Christian virtue of forgiveness, right? In Christianity, forgiveness sets the person who offers the  forgiveness free from the negative effects of unforgiveness, and places them in a position receive graces from God.

Compassion. We talked about compassion in the last post so I won’t elaborate on it again here, except to say beware of what is known as “idiot compassion” which is responding to what is inessential in another person which actually ends up hurting or enabling the other person, as opposed to true compassion which is responding what is essential in another person by using wisdom and good judgment.

Kindness. Practice kindness! Kindness by definition is simply this: the act or the state of being kind i.e. marked by goodness and charitable behavior, mild disposition, pleasantness, tenderness and concern for others.

Thoughtfulness. I cannot believe what a lost art thoughtfulness is becoming! Simply put – be considerate of others, and not just when it will benefit you. Make it a habit!

Slowness to anger/patience. Simply put – CONTROL YOUR TEMPER! Sorry, didn’t mean to yell.  Seriously though, anger is a precursor to many ills in life. Learn to control it rather than letting it control you.

Mercy. Isn’t it nice when we don’t get what we deserve? Well then, how about letting others off the hook once in while? The law of reciprocity guarantees that that if we dispense mercy to others, we will receive mercy ourselves.

Humility. To be humble is to not be prideful or arrogant. It means to have a modest opinion of yourself and a disposition that places others’ needs above your own. Scripture says that God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble. (1Peter5:5). A humble heart/attitude is a prerequisite to receiving and practicing grace. 

Ben Franklin placed humility on his list of 13 virtues to master, but he found it to be one of the most troublesome. He writes:

In reality, there is, perhaps, no one of our natural passions so hard to subdue as pride. Disguise it, struggle with it, beat it down, stifle it, mortify it as much as one pleases, it is still alive, and will every now and then peep out and show itself; you will see it, perhaps, often in this history; for, even if I could conceive that I had compleatly overcome it, I should probably be proud of my humility.

It may, in fact, be the most difficult aspect of grace to practice, but it is the most necessary.  All points of grace, Divine or social, cannot be genuine without a humble heart.

Why Should We Cultivate Grace?

Life, we have learned by middle age, is filled with paradox: right and wrong, good and evil; light and dark; joy and sorrow; abundance and lack; love and hate. Life is not all good and it’s not all bad. By middle age, we have all had those life flash experiences that throw us off balance; betrayal, loss, hurt, abandonment, tragedy, etc.  Therefore, it is vital that we figure out how to cultivate grace so that we maintain balance in life.

As exemplified by my childhood, grace is all about balance. A person who is not physically graceful is subject to many accidents, injuries, spills, embarrassment, etc.  Even the slightest disruption can cause a fall or injury.  As the "gracefully challenged" person develops muscles and equilibrium, their balance improves and they can go through their days, weeks and even years with less of a need for Bounty, mercurochrome, Bactine and bandages. By the way, if you remember what mercurochrome is, you are truly middle-aged!

So it is with the character trait or virtue of grace.  If grace is out of kilter, even the slightest disruptions can have a profound and even harmful impact on your life.  In youth, everything is extreme. Emotions, ambitions, relationships, beliefs, recreation, and just about everything we do in youth is done with an almost reckless youthful vigor and a sense of invincibility. As we approach middle age, we have hopefully tempered that recklessness with wisdom, and it’s now a matter of  refining our sense of grace and balance in life.

If you look at the list again, you will find that each day brings an opportunity to practice at least one of the characteristics of grace. If you don’t believe me, reflect at the end of the day you read this. Did you have an opportunity to forgive? To control your anger or exhibit patience? To be thoughtful and considerate, kind, merciful? Compassionate? Did you practice humility today? Unless you live alone in a cave, you probably did. And even so, it is just as important to practice grace with ourselves as it is to practice grace with others. Be aware and be willing.

Grace is cultivated by exercising right actions every day. While we may not have the time, discipline or inclination that Ben Franklin had to keep notebooks in order to cultivate virtues in our lives, largely because we are also busy cultivating REALationships, health, giving and navigating through a host of other issues that come with middle age, we can improve in all of the areas mentioned above, simply by practicing a little bit every day.

When grace is joined with wrinkles, it is adorable. There is an unspeakable dawn in happy old age.  

~Victor Hugo

Grace be to all of you! (minus the wrinkles)

~Solissea

Next Post: Cultivating Middle Age Wisely:  It's A Rap!