Finding Grace in the Pain

One of the great mysteries of faith regarding God’s grace is: where is God’s grace or love in the pain and suffering of life? Why do bad things happen to good people? How do we reconcile the belief that God is a good God who loves us, yet allows so much suffering? Have you ever wondered these things in your own circumstances or prayed, God, where are You?  God, why did this happen to me or my loved one?

These are very valid questions. How do we find God’s grace in the pain? If you have ever asked the question Why?, then you are in good company since scholars, theologists and laypersons have been trying to answer that question for years. To leave you with the idea that God’s grace encompasses only a showering His love and affection on us all the time without understanding the entire scope of grace would be unfair. To cause you to believe that if you follow God, all your problems in life will vanquish and you will never experience pain ever again, would be unfair. So, in follow-up to my last post, we will look at two things: 1) the purpose of pain and 2) a deeper understanding of grace.

THE PURPOSE OF PAIN

There is a very rare congenital disease called congenital analgia a/k/a congenital insensitivity to pain (CIPA). Only 35 people in the United States have this condition and of those that have it, very few live past the age of 25. These people cannot feel pain at all. Most of them die horrific deaths. A 10-year old boy in India died because his appendix ruptured and he couldn’t feel the pain to know he was sick or to tell anyone, so he bled to death. In the Ukraine, a baby girl born with CIPA shredded her lips when she was teething and then, at the age of 3, put her hand on a hot stove and left it there until her parents smelled her burning flesh and found her sitting in a pool of blood.

Like it or not, pain is necessary. Spiritual, emotional or physical growth cannot occur without pain. It is, in a sense, one of our greatest teachers in life. Not being able to feel physical pain is incredibly dangerous. You need pain to tell you what you should and shouldn't do. You need pain to tell you when to move away from something because it is causing you harm. Most people try to avoid causing pain to themselves, but it is because they have felt pain that they are able to avoid those things that initially caused the pain. The very same is true of emotional or spiritual pain.

Pain comes into our lives in various ways:

1) Our own actions/choices. If we choose to take a leap of faith off a 16-story building, we cannot get too upset with God when we hit the bottom.

2) The actions of others. Acts of terrorism/violence on a global, local or even individual scale are beyond our control. People have been given the gift of a free will and if in choosing to abuse their free will they also choose to harm others, we have no control over that.

3) As a result of nature. We were given the original command to take care of the earth and when we do not, consequences happen. Additionally, when we violate the laws of nature (i.e. building a 16-story building on an earthquake fault) we can’t get too angry with God when the earthquake happens, the structure crumbles, and many lives are lost.

Yet, when pain happens, the first person who gets blamed for its cause is God. So, we have to change our thinking/understanding a bit in order to find God’s grace in the pain. Pain does have a purpose, and while God never causes the pain, He does allow it to happen which creates disturbing questions for believers and what appears to be good cause for atheists to reject Him.

FINDING GRACE...

A friend of mind died in August. She was a beautiful woman of faith. She had diabetes which had progressed years ago to the point that she had endured dialysis 4 times a week, 4 hours each visit. For 7 years. Her husband took her to every dialysis session and took care of her every need during this time. They were each others' first and only love. One day, prior to her death, she told her husband and her family that she just didn’t want to live like that anymore. She was tired and ready to go home and be with Jesus. She told her husband of 50 plus years that he had to love her enough to allow her to make the choice to not receive dialysis anymore. If God was going to heal her, fine. If not, she was ready to go home. Somehow, within themselves, each family member had to reach through their pain and find the grace to allow her to possibly suffer and die.

I was fortunate enough to be able to visit her just days before her death, pray with her, weep, and through the tears wish her a pleasant journey home. I sat and visited with the family a bit and her husband (a great man of faith but definitely in pain) was filled with all the questions, “Why?” “Why didn’t you take me first?” “Why didn’t you heal her?” “What am I going to do without her?” And I sat and listened and wept with him. To the other questions I neither had nor offered any answers, but to the question of “What do I do without her” I simply answered, "As long you have breath, you still have a purpose. When you take your last breath, your purpose is complete. So, when the pain has subsided, you will find your purpose and go on.” 

I could not answer any of his questions, but that one. I knew the answer because I experienced a similar period of pain with my mother and grandmother. I didn’t lose my mother entirely, but I lost a part of her due to an aneurysm and stroke which rendered her immobile and brain injured. While mom was in a coma, my grandmother died. So in one fell swoop I lost all of one, and part of the other, of the two most important women in my life. I did not lose a spouse, but I suffered deep, paralyzing pain and loss. Admittedly, I did not immediately seek grace in my pain. I stomped my little size 5 ½ feet, I boldly shook my fist at God, and tried to find peace in everything except looking for God’s grace in my pain. This is how I know I would not make a good martyr.  But this is also how I know it is possible to find God's grace in your deepest pain.

C.S. Lewis in his book, The Problem of Pain, offers his readers this humble confession: You would like to know how I behave when I am experiencing pain, not writing books about it. You need not guess for I will tell you; I am a great coward.

I know how he feels. I experienced the same thing. All my years of studying, applying and teaching the Bible went right out the window when presented with my greatest test of faith and deepest most paralyzing pain. Pain brings out the fight-or-flight response in us. While I never denied my faith, I did take a little side trip. It took a while, but I was finally able to reconcile my faith and my pain and begin moving forward again.  Because I experienced that kind of pain, I could look at my friend that day, truly feel his pain, and not offer just some   hokey words that sound good in the moment and then fall away, but to say with all humility and confidence that he would get through the pain and be able to fulfill his purpose in life. 

A DEEPER UNDERSTANDING OF GRACE

If you recall in my last post, the common definition of God’s grace is “unmerited love and favor of God.” We vaguely grasp the concept that we are imperfect creatures whose basic concept of real love is terribly flawed.  So, to reconcile a loving God with the suffering we face is virtually impossible. But let’s take a deeper look.  The scripture we looked at in the last post to describe God’s character, and in fact used multiple times to describe a characteristic of God in scripture is:

But Thou art a God of forgiveness, gracious and compassionate, slow to anger, and abounding in loving-kindness; And Thou didst not forsake them” (Nehemiah 9:17).

What our finite minds grasp is the kindness aspect of God’s love without the loving aspect and they are two different concepts. You see, I may be kind to you without loving you. Kindness only cares that you are comfortable, your immediate needs are met and that you are happy in the moment. It is a virtue for sure, but it is not the only way God displays His grace to us.

You love your children and you are hopefully kind to them as well. One day, your child wakes up and doesn’t want to go to school. He/she cries, wails, kicks and screams and so in your kindness, because you don’t understand their suffering, perhaps you give them a day off. However, the next day they experience the same distress and you know the best thing for them is to go to school. So, at some point you must appear unkind and despite their suffering, you make them go to school. You love them far enough into the future to - even through their pain - send them off to school to develop the disciplines they will need to become productive, functioning adults. If you were only kind to them, you would never do this because kindness alone would simply avoid the pain. But you love them as well, so you both learn yourself and teach your child to push through the pain for their ultimate good. You know that if you rescue your child from every sign of pain or suffering, they will never develop and grow and so you endure the pain yourself even though sometimes it truly does hurt you more than it hurts them.  So it is with God and you... His grace is His loving-kindness.

In The Problem of Pain, C.S Lewis discusses this awareness of a distinction between love and kindness and the recognition of what it means to be the object of God's love. This distinction makes it easier to comprehend why love is not incompatible with suffering. Because God loves us he will not rest until he sees us wholly lovable. From that perspective, the suffering we experience is that of a person in need of transformation. It is a direct result of God's goodness. No, He does not cause it, but He will endure it with us and bring us through it better equipped to fulfill our purpose.

Whatever we experience in the way of pain and suffering, whether by our own choices, someone else's cruelty, circumstance of nature, or anything beyond our natural control, if we understand that God is with us - not through pain avoidance, but with an everlasting loving-kindness - that is how we can find grace in the pain. 

Not only may we believe that He has somehow minimized our suffering beyond our comprehension (His kindness = things could be worse!), but that He will love us through the pain and bring us out more whole, better equipped, more lovable and able to love on the other side of it – if we let Him. One either runs from God or to Him in times of great distress. Over the course of a lifetime, we may do a little of both. From one who is returning from her indirect flight, may I suggest to you that toward is always the better choice!

What are you facing right now?  Death or impending death of a loved one? Divorce? Destitution? Lack of purpose or direction in life? Crisis of faith?  Betrayal of a friend? Terminal illness? Nothing is beyond the reach of God's grace.  I cannot tell you exactly where the grace is in your circumstance(s), nor do I have an easy 5-step formula for doing so.  In order to grow and learn, you must find it yourself.  What I can tell you is that God's grace is there.

Hold on to the loving-kindness of God. Don't give up. Find the purpose in your pain.  You will come out on the other side of your pain more whole, better equipped, more lovable and so much more able to love others, with a greater capacity to dispense God's grace to others who are hurting and who desperately need your help. 

Wishing God's richest grace to you, today and always!

~Solissea