Cultivating Middle Age Wisely: Giving

To cultivate simply means to promote growth, to nurture, foster or refine. These are not  typical words when describing traditional middle age years. The two most common words are decline and decrease. In our effort to redefine middle age, it is apparent that there needs to be a change of thinking as well as vocabulary!

To think of middle age as the adolescence of old age, cultivation becomes necessary. Unlike youthful adolescence, middle-agers have acquired knowledge, wisdom, skills, humor, and a plethora of other resources that were not available in youth. The benefit of this is that middle-agers do not have to spend time learning most things pertaining to life since they have already done that. Middle-agers possess the valuable experience of trial and error to know what works and what does not work for their lives.  Whether it is put into practice or not is entirely up to to the individual! We must cultivate what we have and bring it to a higher level.

To better navigate this stage of life, our descriptive words should no longer be decline and decrease. Instead,  place these new words above the dreaded “D” words:

Promote - to further or encourage the progress or existence of; to raise to a higher rank, status, degree, etc;

Foster - to care for or cherish; and

Refine - to bring to a fine or a pure state; free from impurities; to become more fine, elegant, or polished.

Develop the habit of using these words in place of other negative words when thinking about middle age.

GENERATIVITY

According to Erikson's Eight Stages of Psychosocial Development, the primary issue of middle age is generativity.  In essence,  generativity is a concern for others developed during middle age, especially a need to nurture and guide younger people and contribute to the next generation. This is often expressed as finding a way to “live on” after we’re gone. 

There are five areas of life we will examine over the next few posts that will greatly enhance the quality of these middle age years and help contribute to a greater sense of generativity: 1) giving; 2) health; 3) relationships; 4) grace; and 5) faith. Of course there are more, but these five will cover a myriad of middle age issues.

CULTIVATE GIVING

He looked up and saw the rich dropping their offerings into the temple treasury. He also saw a poor widow dropping in two tiny coins. "I tell you the truth," He said. "This poor widow has put in more than all of them. For all these people have put in gifts out of their surplus, but she out of her poverty has put in all she had to live on." Luke 21:1-4

Our training, for the greater portion of our lives, has taught us to believe that it is better to give out of our surplus or abundance.  As a result, we spend most of our lives trying to fill our barrels if not cause them to overflow, which makes our idea of giving conditional: if we have surplus, we give - if we do not not have surplus, we do not give.  Middle-agers today though, may find their barrels are neither full nor overflowing due to factors such as the economy, raising young children or having children in college, being sandwiched in between children and aging parents, or simply struggling to survive as a single person. At a time in their lives when they feel their barrels are being depleted of resources rather than accumulating, how can we refine the concept of  giving in order to accomplish a sense of generativity?

In an essay titled Through Giving You Shall Receive by a Romanian Christian monk, Nicolae Steinhardt, he tells the story of a man who sought entry into a monastery even though he did not feel qualified for entry. This man went to the abbot and humbly declared:

Know, Father, that I have neither faith nor light, nor essence, nor courage, nor trust in myself, and I cannot be of any help to myself, much less to any others; I have nothing.

In the world's economy of giving, this man would surely be declined entry. Instead, the enlightened abbot replied:

What does that have to do with anything? You have no faith, have no light; giving them to others you will have them, too. In searching them for another, you will gain them for yourself. Your brother, your neighbor and fellow man, to him you are duty bound to help with what you do not have.

GIVE WHAT YOU DO NOT HAVE

I admit. I admire the Bill Gates' and Warren Buffett's of this world. I would love to be in a position to be able to give 99% of my livelihood away and live as comfortably as they do on 1%. It is certainly a noble and admirable thing in this day and age and I applaud their success. 

But, if I waited until I achieved extraordinary wealth, I would never be able to give.

I also deeply admire Mother Theresa who had no monetary wealth to speak of, but sacrificed her entire life to give to the poor and the sick. However, at this time of my life I barely have enough time to complete a thought some days!

But, if I wait until I have time to dedicate my life to some type of charitable work, I would never be able to give.

Warren Buffett and Mother Theresa are two extreme examples of giving. The vast majority of us live somewhere in the middle. Yet, truth be told, we can give nonetheless and are without excuse if we do not. Giving out of the surplus of our barrels of time, talent or treasure is not an indication of generous heart. As we learned from Jesus in the scripture above, those who give from their lack are considered most generous.

THE PARADOX OF GIVING

The paradox of giving is that you can give your time, talent or treasure to a cause that is near to your heart, even if you do not feel you have anything to give. A willing and humble heart, a passion for your cause, and making yourself available will get you started. In God's economy, if you give from your lack, you will receive so that you may continue to give it away regardless of whether it is your time, talent or treasure!

So, what is your passion? What do you lack? What is that one thing that moves your soul and connects you to something outside of yourself? What new way can you be of help or service to your family? Friends? Community? World?

It is well worth the effort to take a moment to foster new ideas about your own generativity.  Once you identify your passion, take no consideration of your ability or inability to give.

Simply Start Giving.

Next Post: Cultivating Health in Middle Age

The Psychology of Middle Age

There are many schools of thought in psychology, and I often wondered about the validity of the science and practice of psychology from the perspective of, which one is the correct or most useful school of thought?  Freud? Erickson? Maslow? Pavlov? Popper? Fries?

Am I just hungry or are there really psychologists named Popper and Fries? Oh wait, Karl Popper and Jakob Fries were philosophers. I must be a little hungry. Hmmm…Why am I salivating all of a sudden? I don’t know…it’s probably my mom’s fault though.  Did I just hear a bell?

Pardon me.  Discussing psychology always makes me over analyze my internal thoughts and motivations.

While I am not really going to challenge traditional psychology of middle age, you will be pleased to know that I have ordered my all-terrain Hoveround®.  

Ugh.  Pardon me again.  It's that age-activated attention deficit disorder issue. Back on track now...

The truth is, useful information may be gleaned from all schools of psychological thought.  However, economic, social and family mores have changed so much over the past 30 years that  while we may be able to apply analytical principals to behaviors, traditional solutions or remedies are dated and not very effective. So, we find that the traditional approaches to handling middle age issues may actually be counterproductive to creating quality years prior to old age.

•    People live longer than they did 30 years ago.  
•    Middle-agers usually had grown children by now and nowadays, middle-agers are just starting to have children.
•    Gone are the days when you could begin your career AND retire with the same company.

The list of marked changes over the past 30 years is endless.  Let’s not even talk about all the changes the world wide web has ushered in.  Thus, the need to reinvent middle age for us accordingly.  More importantly though, traditional psychology does not answer the deeper more serious questions about middle age such as the one my beautiful friend asked me after she read my last post:

Beautiful Friend: I understand the horizontal wrinkles gracing the bridge of my nose, but how on earth did I get a vertical wrinkle on my nose?

If my readers have an answer for her, please leave your comments below.  I tried to research vertical nose wrinkles for her, but every time I tried I did more Giggling than Googling!

Okay, enough fun and frivolity.  Let’s talk middle age psychology.

In  Erik Erickson’s 8 Stages of Psychosocial Development, he considers middle-agers to be in Stage 7.  

Here is Erickson’s brief synopsis of Stage 7.

In this stage generativity refers to the adult's ability to care for another person. The most important event in this stage is parenting. Does the adult have the ability to care and guide the next generation? Generativity has a broader meaning then just having children. Each adult must have some way to satisfy and support the next generation. According to Erikson, "A person does best at this time to put aside thoughts of death and balance its certainty with the only happiness that is lasting: to increase, by whatever is yours to give, the goodwill and higher order in your sector of the world"(Erikson, 1974). (Emphasis added)

Elements for a positive outcome:
To have and nurture children and/or become involved with future generations.

Elements for a negative outcome:
An individual must deal with issues they are concerned with or it can lead to stagnation in later life.

Examples:
In this stage an adult will be concerned with issues such as: the future of the environment, what kind of world will we leave the next generation, equality for all people, etc.

LEGACY OR LETHARGY?

With that in mind, middle age is a time when both men and women begin contemplating the age-old question, what have I done with my life?

So, I ask you:

 What have you done with your life?

I do agree with Erickson’s broad psychosocial summary of middle age issues.  Myself as an example, I am not married and I do not have children.  Even if I were to get married tomorrow, I do not know how I feel about producing a child who would receive his/her kindergarten diploma the same year that I receive my AARP card.  Additionally, it would  be dangerous to go through menopause at the same time my child was going through adolescence.  Our home would not be big enough for both of our mood swings and one of us would eventually have to go.

However, I have invested in the lives of many, many children over my lifetime so for me there is not a sense of loss in the generativity capacity.  On the contrary, it is very fulfilling to reflect on my life and know that I have contributed in some capacity to the future generation on a broad scale. I know this because many of them are still in contact with me.  At the same time, I also know there is still much more to accomplish.  I cannot top the first half of my life, so my middle age question becomes this:  exactly what do I do with the second half of my life? 

People who are very self-absorbed at this age are unhappiest and most apt to find middle age a negative thing. People who fail to invest all or a portion of themselves in some one (people) or some thing (causes) become stagnant, unsure, without a sense of purpose, and possibly a haunting sense of failure.  Selfish people do not realize the gift they are given and the value that each day – or for that matter each breath - life has to offer.  

Success in middle age then, is a matter of 
inhaling the gift of life,

then finding a way to exhale it to the world.

You will find that life itself has leveled the playing field in middle age.  If you do not believe it, just attend your next class reunion.  No one has an unfair advantage or disadvantage.  Your success or failure depends solely on whether you choose legacy or lethargy for the next 20-40-60 years.  So, think of your life/legacy as a valuable piece of a time capsule to be found by the future generations!  Invest first and foremost in your faith and family.  Then answer these simple questions:

What valuable lessons have I learned along the way?  
What wrongs have I righted?  
What would I improve for the next generation?
What beauty worth sharing have I found in the world? In life? In love? In living day-to-day?  

Find a way to share it with the world!  Someone may never have the opportunity to experience something but though your legacy.  Write it, draw it, speak it, etch-a-sketch it, paint it, dance it, sing it, give it, live it, build it, design it, but just make sure you do not leave a legacy of lethargy!  

DO IT AND SHARE IT!  

Life is the only gift we receive that is required to be given away to others!

If you choose legacy, then go after it with all the vim and vigor you can muster with these decaying old bodies of ours!  Beat out every drop of life with your cane! I strongly suggest you order your all-terrain Hoveround® today like I did, so you won’t miss a beat! 

     ~Solissea

Next Post:

Cultivating Middle Age

ANYWAY

People are often unreasonable, illogical and self centered;    Forgive them anyway.

   If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;

    Be kind anyway.

    If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;

  Succeed anyway.

    If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
    Be honest and frank anyway.

    What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
    Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;

Be happy anyway. 

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;

            Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;

    Give the world the best you've got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and your God;
    It was never between you and them anyway.

[Reportedly inscribed on the wall of Mother Teresa's children's home in Calcutta, and attributed to her. However, an article in the New York Times has since reported (March 8, 2002) that the original version of this poem was written by Kent M. Keith.]

HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY AMERICA!

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IN CONGRESS, JULY 4, 1776

When, in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the laws of nature and of nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. That to secure these rights, governments are instituted among men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed. That whenever any form of government becomes destructive to these ends, it is the right of the people to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their safety and happiness.

Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed.

But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security.

— Such has been the patient sufferance of these Colonies; and such....