I Remember Not

I previously did a series on Reinventing Middle Age that was fun and yet emphasized the positive aspects of navigating through mid-life issues; health, REALationships, psychology and other issues. Not only was it fun to write and research, but it helped some of you as well as myself make positive, more healthy decisions in this season of life.

A new development has occurred in my middle-aged journey though, and I'd like to share with you. It is a topic that I'm sure is on every middle-aged person's mind...when they can remember it. 

It is the dreaded middle-aged memory issue.

The idea to include middle-aged memory in my Reinventing Middle Age series came to me one particular morning when preparing breakfast (I can't remember how long ago...possibly a couple of months). I reached into the cupboard to get the cooking oil, and instead, I found a half-gallon of milk.

My first reaction was extreme annoyance that one of the other family members had been absent-minded when putting the milk in the cupboard instead of the refrigerator. "Great," I said, "Someone just wasted a half-gallon of milk!" I huffed it over to the sink and promptly dumped it down the drain. Far too annoyed to speak, I continued on with the breakfast preparation, and tried to think of how long it must have been in there and who used it last. My strategy was to interrogate each of the two primary suspects in this mindless household crime to see which one had a late-night bowl of cereal or other snack involving milk.

Unfortunately, my stealth interrogation yielded no confession. The other family members appeared just as perplexed as I was at this mystery crime. In fact, they even found it comical which annoyed me even more. But, before breaking out the CSI Crime Scene Junior Investigating Kit to dust for fingerprints, or the Spy Gear Lie Detector Kit, I thought I would take another approach. I was determined to get a confession and scold accordingly.

However, the investigation took a surprising turn when, before I could finish cooking breakfast, my middle-aged memory kicked in and I remembered that I had used the milk to make mashed potatoes the night before for dinner. If the others had truly not used the milk after that - it could only mean one thing...

I WAS THE CRIMINAL WHO PUT THE MILK IN THE CUPBOARD INSTEAD OF THE THE REFRIGERATOR!!!

I truly did not remember doing that!

Thus was born the idea to address the issue of middle-aged memory as part of my Reinventing Middle Age series.

On a lighter note, being the youngest one in the household has its advantages.  A couple days later someone found the dry cereal in the refrigerator rather than the cupboard and I did not do that one, so apparently I am not the only one who suffers memory lapses around here.

So, I will be addressing the issue of memory in middle age in upcoming posts.  Stay tuned for more fun and frivolity as we take both a comical and realistic look at memory issues for middle-agers and what we can do to help ourselves navigate through this challenge while travleing through this season of life!

Hey. If you don't see a post from me for a while, please send me an email and remind me to continue...

Cultivating Middle Age Wisely: Living In The Middle

If you are middle-aged, that is where you are – right smack dab in the middle between youth and old age.  The good news is we have approximately 20 years [middle age is considered between the ages of 40-ish and 60-ish] to cultivate middle age wisely so, that gives us plenty of time to prepare for old age! 

Remember, middle age is not the time to quit!  Achievement still counts and choices still matter in middle age so you are not off the hook yet!

Living in the Middle

I had to laugh when I saw this definition of middle: middle: the point equally distant from the outer limits.

I laughed because to remember my own youth and to watch the youth of today, I have concluded that youth is truly an outer limits experience!  Additionally, I have dealt with the elderly enough by now to know that old age is truly an outer limits experience when you get there too. 

So, I can say with utmost conviction that I will treasure and cherish this time I have to live in the middle of life, equally distant from the “outer limits."

In a recent article titled A Winning Friendship in the Parade, a reporter interviewed two of my all-time favorite female tennis players, Martina Navratilova and Chris Evert.  Both ladies were my tennis idols when I was growing up and playing competitively.  When asked a question about retirement, Chris Evert replied:

I went from retiring to getting married and having three kids, so I went from one high to another high. Now it’s hitting me. We’ve both (Evert and Navratilova) been to therapy, because you have the highs and the lows, but life is really in between, and it’s about trying to find that balance to live in the middle.

How true that is. 

By middle age, we have all  experienced tremendous highs and lows, and while excess on occasion is exhilarating because it prevents moderation from acquiring the deadening effect of a habit (a quote by W. Somerset Maugham), I happen to be enjoying living life  in the middle!  Like my readers, I’m still trying to get the hang of this middle age stage, but I am having more fun with it than any other time in life to be sure.  I hope you are too.  Just remember:  In middle age, don’t focus on flaws or decline – focus on your capabilities.  Our capacity for everything is greater in middle age and we have more resources available to us than ever before.  So use them wisely and have some fun along the way! 

Vitamins to Help Cultivate Middle Age Wisely             

You know, I would be remiss in my duties if, in wrapping up this series of posts, I did not leave you with one last list to assist in cultivating middle age wisely, so, here it is.

 

To help our middle-aged brains remember that middle age is not the end of life, merely the beginning or youth of old age, I will use an acronym B-E-G-I-N to remember the Middle Age Vitamin List. 

 

Vitamin B

Balance.  By now, you have learned that life is full of extremes: good and bad, love and hate, joys and sorrows, abundance and lack, health and illness, and so on.  Finding a way to maintain our balance through all life has for us is essential to cultivating and enjoying a healthy and happy middle age.

Vitamin E

Exercise.  Exercise both your brain and your body.  Yes, your brain is aging/changing physically but there is good news.  Recently, researchers have found positive news. The brain, as it traverses middle age, gets better at recognizing the central idea, the big picture. If kept in good shape, the brain can continue to build pathways that help its owner recognize patterns and, as a consequence, see significance and even solutions much faster than a young person can. Keep your brain nourished and active by healthy diet and continuous learning. 

Yes, your body is aging/changing, but you can be your own human growth hormone. Make it a priority to anti-age yourself through appropriate and enjoyable exercise and recreation.  If we live long enough we will probably all end up with some level of geriatric infirmity, but we can combat the extremes and postpone the inevitable by taking care of ourselves physically through healthy diet and exercise.

Barring some sort of accident, the choices we make in middle age to promote our physical and mental health will greatly affect how we enter old age. Middle age is a great time to go back to school or develop a new skill or pick up a new hobby or sport.  Anything that engages your mind and body will be of tremendous benefit.

 Vitamin G

Grace.  Cultivate poise, integrity, humility, kindness, generosity, forgiveness, mercy, consideration, thoughtfulness, patience, purpose, clarity in your spiritual relationship with God, manners, respectfulness, and just overall try to have a good effect on other people.  A little bit of grace goes a long way!  Try it!

Vitamin I

 

Interest.  Take a proactive interest in your own life as well as in the lives of others! If you have made it this far, you have earned the right to enjoy life! Be innovative and find things that will satisfy your middle-aged need for generativity, longevity and legacy.  Somehow in the middle of the chaos that at times can be middle age, find the things that bring you enjoyment and make it a point to do them!

Vitamin N

 

Nap. After doing all the exercises needed to cultivate middle age wisely, take a nap!  Physical and mental rest and refreshment are necessary to cultivate optimal health in every area of our lives! So, in the hustle and bustle of life, remember to get proper rest!

 

CONCLUSION

Well, hopefully after the past few weeks we’ve had some fun with this Cultivating Middle Age Wisely series, and perhaps learned a thing or two along the way. I’m going to wrap it up now and move on to other topics of interest, as well as requests from readers, but don’t be surprised if the subject of middle age reappears on this blog from time to time from this middle-aged gal.  I am finding it a very fascinating, challenging, exciting and humorous time of life!  I hope you are too because like it or not, if we are given the privilege of living long enough, we all arrive at middle age.  And just like the historical middle ages, it will be marked with significant opportunities, changes and events.

 

Remember, it is your choice to make middle age an opportunity, not a crisis!

 Thanks for reading along.  Right now, this middle-aged gal is going to go take a healthy dose of Vitamin N.  I strongly recommend you do the same!

 

Live, play, grow, learn, laugh, love, and nap well everyone!

 

~Solissea

Cultivating Middle Age Wisely: Grace

A couple of weeks ago, a lady came to our home regarding our little 87-year old's recent move to Assisted Living. She had the pleasure of meeting my mother briefly before she left.  When I spoke to Cindy the following day, she commented how beautiful my mother was, and how happy and peaceful she looked. Then, she made this statement about her, using her hands to emphasize what she was about to say: 

She just… radiates...oh she just radiates grace!

For some reason her statement struck a chord in me.  Not that I didn't know that my mother radiated grace. In fact, I often lovingly call to her and say, "Hey Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee!" Her name is Mary, she truly is full of grace and if you knew her story, you would know the Lord truly is with her!  It amazed me that a total stranger could see so clearly in a matter of less than five minutes what we see emanating from her daily! So, when I talk about cultivating grace, this gives a real-life example of how it is possible to cultivate grace to such a degree that it is evident to others.

Defining Grace

What comes to your mind when you think about grace? Is it Divine pardon? God’s unmerited favor? Divine assistance? Is it the little prayer of gratefulness you say before meals? Is it just being nice? Is it merely elegance and beauty in movement and form? Is it an allowance of extra time to pay a bill?

Personally, I thought for years growing up that it was my nickname. I was a clumsy child, so every time I tripped over that pesky piece of lint, stumbled over my own little feet, or ran in to something accidentally, my family would say, "There goes Grace!” Later in life, I did my legal internship with a Christian sole practitioner whose business motto was Practicing Law with Grace, so everyone that walked into the office thought they were being clever by asking if I was Grace with whom he practiced law. Everybody wants to be a comedian.

But really, what is grace and how do we cultivate it? Well, I could spend weeks giving an exhaustive exegesis on Christian theology and the manifold meanings of  Divine grace, and truthfully we would barely scratch the surface.  However, the grace I had in mind for this post is more along the lines of social grace. I dare say though, that the two are very closely related as you may well see. If you would like to read an excellent, fully understandable exposition on the Christian theological view of grace, I highly recommend a book by Philip Yancey titled, What’s So Amazing About Grace?

Cultivating Middle Age Wisely: Health

Death is surely inevitable, but I do believe you can live far longer than the average life expectancy, which, in the US, is around 78. Genetics may play a role, but is NOT the final determining factor for whether you'll live a long healthy life.

Barring an accident, your lifestyle has everything to do with your longevity. It's already been established that diet can override genetic predispositions for disease, for example, so don't fall into the trap of believing your health and longevity is somehow the inevitable result of what's in your gene pool. 

~Dr. Joseph Mercola, If You Want to Age Gracefully - Don't Eat This

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

For me, it is not about living longer, it is about living the years we are given well.

I had such a difficult time writing this blog because there is so much information out there to share about middle age and health.  I could regurgitate facts and figures, statistics and percentages, but the bottom line is we all know by now what to do as far as diet and exercise to promote, foster and refine our health.  It is just a matter of getting motivated to do the things we already know to do.

I believe the quote above in all its simplicity says it all: Take care of your body, it's the only place you have to live!  So, whether you end up in a nursing home or living independently at home, your body is your primary residence and, as such, should be given high priority.  We cannot stop the decline, but we can do our part to live well the years we are given.

WAKE UP CALL

Researchers at the University of Michigan and the RAND Corp. analyzed information from the 1997 to 2007 National Health Interview Survey and found that more than 40 percent of people ages 50 to 64 reported having difficulty doing one of nine physical functions, such as stooping, standing for two hours, walking a quarter mile or climbing 10 steps without resting. The study, published in the April edition of the journal Health Affairs, also found that some middle-aged respondents - less than 2 percent, but growing - need help with personal care activities. Those include getting out of bed, using the toilet and shopping for groceries.

The national study didn't pinpoint a root cause of the increase in disabilities among middle-aged people, but local health care providers list these as the biggest reasons: obesity, sedentary lifestyles and lack of preventive medical care.

There really is no one formula that fits all.  Every person has their own set of health issues to contend with determined by genetics and lifestyle.  Personally, I made a commitment to myself when I turned 45, that I would enter the next decade as healthy as possible.  I am not a dieter, but I did alter both my eating habits and exercise regimen and a little over one year later I am in the best shape of my life.  I call it, the

MIDDLE AGE EX-FACTOR!

EX-AMINE YOURSELF

What are your health issues both current and what may be forthcoming through the glorious gene pool?  Heart disease? Diabetes? Joint/bone issues? Hypertension? Identify your issues and educate yourself on the causes and cures.  At the very least, you can minimize their effect on your aging with a little effort on your part.  Do not compare yourself to others - you are unique.  Your goal should be optimal health for you and it may not include or even look like someone else's level of optimal health.  You have to take care of you.  Knowledge is power. Empower yourself to change the course of your health!

EX-ERCISE

Like it or not, our bodies were created for movement!  If they were not, we wouldn't have been given movable parts! Of the four leading causes of premature aging and death (obesity, high blood pressure, diabetes and high cholesterol), all of them can be minimized if not eliminated altogether simply through exercise. A good program of aerobic exercise and strength/resistance training will do wonders for your body at this age.  You don't have to train for a marathon (unless you want to) but you should be able to do enough to help your body protect itself from a fall or injury.  Additionally, if an unexpected health event such as heart attack or stroke should happen, your recovery success will depend largely on your overall health condition prior to the event.  Consider improving your current health as a preventative measure!

 EX-PECT RESULTS

Do not buy into the belief that once the middle age spread or decline begins, there is nothing you can do about it.  You can lose weight.  You can minimize or eliminate any internal health issues.  If you require medicine, take it!  But don't stop looking for healthy alternatives.  The most important element of changing and maintaining your health is: don't give up!  If you  you try something and it doesn't work, try something else! If you enter middle age with some type of structural injury (back, knees, neck, etc.) then you just have to be more creative with your choices, but optimal health is still possible.

ONE FINAL THOUGHT...

Cultivating Middle Age Wisely: Giving

To cultivate simply means to promote growth, to nurture, foster or refine. These are not  typical words when describing traditional middle age years. The two most common words are decline and decrease. In our effort to redefine middle age, it is apparent that there needs to be a change of thinking as well as vocabulary!

To think of middle age as the adolescence of old age, cultivation becomes necessary. Unlike youthful adolescence, middle-agers have acquired knowledge, wisdom, skills, humor, and a plethora of other resources that were not available in youth. The benefit of this is that middle-agers do not have to spend time learning most things pertaining to life since they have already done that. Middle-agers possess the valuable experience of trial and error to know what works and what does not work for their lives.  Whether it is put into practice or not is entirely up to to the individual! We must cultivate what we have and bring it to a higher level.

To better navigate this stage of life, our descriptive words should no longer be decline and decrease. Instead,  place these new words above the dreaded “D” words:

Promote - to further or encourage the progress or existence of; to raise to a higher rank, status, degree, etc;

Foster - to care for or cherish; and

Refine - to bring to a fine or a pure state; free from impurities; to become more fine, elegant, or polished.

Develop the habit of using these words in place of other negative words when thinking about middle age.

GENERATIVITY

According to Erikson's Eight Stages of Psychosocial Development, the primary issue of middle age is generativity.  In essence,  generativity is a concern for others developed during middle age, especially a need to nurture and guide younger people and contribute to the next generation. This is often expressed as finding a way to “live on” after we’re gone. 

There are five areas of life we will examine over the next few posts that will greatly enhance the quality of these middle age years and help contribute to a greater sense of generativity: 1) giving; 2) health; 3) relationships; 4) grace; and 5) faith. Of course there are more, but these five will cover a myriad of middle age issues.

CULTIVATE GIVING

He looked up and saw the rich dropping their offerings into the temple treasury. He also saw a poor widow dropping in two tiny coins. "I tell you the truth," He said. "This poor widow has put in more than all of them. For all these people have put in gifts out of their surplus, but she out of her poverty has put in all she had to live on." Luke 21:1-4

Our training, for the greater portion of our lives, has taught us to believe that it is better to give out of our surplus or abundance.  As a result, we spend most of our lives trying to fill our barrels if not cause them to overflow, which makes our idea of giving conditional: if we have surplus, we give - if we do not not have surplus, we do not give.  Middle-agers today though, may find their barrels are neither full nor overflowing due to factors such as the economy, raising young children or having children in college, being sandwiched in between children and aging parents, or simply struggling to survive as a single person. At a time in their lives when they feel their barrels are being depleted of resources rather than accumulating, how can we refine the concept of  giving in order to accomplish a sense of generativity?

In an essay titled Through Giving You Shall Receive by a Romanian Christian monk, Nicolae Steinhardt, he tells the story of a man who sought entry into a monastery even though he did not feel qualified for entry. This man went to the abbot and humbly declared:

Know, Father, that I have neither faith nor light, nor essence, nor courage, nor trust in myself, and I cannot be of any help to myself, much less to any others; I have nothing.

In the world's economy of giving, this man would surely be declined entry. Instead, the enlightened abbot replied:

What does that have to do with anything? You have no faith, have no light; giving them to others you will have them, too. In searching them for another, you will gain them for yourself. Your brother, your neighbor and fellow man, to him you are duty bound to help with what you do not have.

GIVE WHAT YOU DO NOT HAVE

I admit. I admire the Bill Gates' and Warren Buffett's of this world. I would love to be in a position to be able to give 99% of my livelihood away and live as comfortably as they do on 1%. It is certainly a noble and admirable thing in this day and age and I applaud their success. 

But, if I waited until I achieved extraordinary wealth, I would never be able to give.

I also deeply admire Mother Theresa who had no monetary wealth to speak of, but sacrificed her entire life to give to the poor and the sick. However, at this time of my life I barely have enough time to complete a thought some days!

But, if I wait until I have time to dedicate my life to some type of charitable work, I would never be able to give.

Warren Buffett and Mother Theresa are two extreme examples of giving. The vast majority of us live somewhere in the middle. Yet, truth be told, we can give nonetheless and are without excuse if we do not. Giving out of the surplus of our barrels of time, talent or treasure is not an indication of generous heart. As we learned from Jesus in the scripture above, those who give from their lack are considered most generous.

THE PARADOX OF GIVING

The paradox of giving is that you can give your time, talent or treasure to a cause that is near to your heart, even if you do not feel you have anything to give. A willing and humble heart, a passion for your cause, and making yourself available will get you started. In God's economy, if you give from your lack, you will receive so that you may continue to give it away regardless of whether it is your time, talent or treasure!

So, what is your passion? What do you lack? What is that one thing that moves your soul and connects you to something outside of yourself? What new way can you be of help or service to your family? Friends? Community? World?

It is well worth the effort to take a moment to foster new ideas about your own generativity.  Once you identify your passion, take no consideration of your ability or inability to give.

Simply Start Giving.

Next Post: Cultivating Health in Middle Age

The Psychology of Middle Age

There are many schools of thought in psychology, and I often wondered about the validity of the science and practice of psychology from the perspective of, which one is the correct or most useful school of thought?  Freud? Erickson? Maslow? Pavlov? Popper? Fries?

Am I just hungry or are there really psychologists named Popper and Fries? Oh wait, Karl Popper and Jakob Fries were philosophers. I must be a little hungry. Hmmm…Why am I salivating all of a sudden? I don’t know…it’s probably my mom’s fault though.  Did I just hear a bell?

Pardon me.  Discussing psychology always makes me over analyze my internal thoughts and motivations.

While I am not really going to challenge traditional psychology of middle age, you will be pleased to know that I have ordered my all-terrain Hoveround®.  

Ugh.  Pardon me again.  It's that age-activated attention deficit disorder issue. Back on track now...

The truth is, useful information may be gleaned from all schools of psychological thought.  However, economic, social and family mores have changed so much over the past 30 years that  while we may be able to apply analytical principals to behaviors, traditional solutions or remedies are dated and not very effective. So, we find that the traditional approaches to handling middle age issues may actually be counterproductive to creating quality years prior to old age.

•    People live longer than they did 30 years ago.  
•    Middle-agers usually had grown children by now and nowadays, middle-agers are just starting to have children.
•    Gone are the days when you could begin your career AND retire with the same company.

The list of marked changes over the past 30 years is endless.  Let’s not even talk about all the changes the world wide web has ushered in.  Thus, the need to reinvent middle age for us accordingly.  More importantly though, traditional psychology does not answer the deeper more serious questions about middle age such as the one my beautiful friend asked me after she read my last post:

Beautiful Friend: I understand the horizontal wrinkles gracing the bridge of my nose, but how on earth did I get a vertical wrinkle on my nose?

If my readers have an answer for her, please leave your comments below.  I tried to research vertical nose wrinkles for her, but every time I tried I did more Giggling than Googling!

Okay, enough fun and frivolity.  Let’s talk middle age psychology.

In  Erik Erickson’s 8 Stages of Psychosocial Development, he considers middle-agers to be in Stage 7.  

Here is Erickson’s brief synopsis of Stage 7.

In this stage generativity refers to the adult's ability to care for another person. The most important event in this stage is parenting. Does the adult have the ability to care and guide the next generation? Generativity has a broader meaning then just having children. Each adult must have some way to satisfy and support the next generation. According to Erikson, "A person does best at this time to put aside thoughts of death and balance its certainty with the only happiness that is lasting: to increase, by whatever is yours to give, the goodwill and higher order in your sector of the world"(Erikson, 1974). (Emphasis added)

Elements for a positive outcome:
To have and nurture children and/or become involved with future generations.

Elements for a negative outcome:
An individual must deal with issues they are concerned with or it can lead to stagnation in later life.

Examples:
In this stage an adult will be concerned with issues such as: the future of the environment, what kind of world will we leave the next generation, equality for all people, etc.

LEGACY OR LETHARGY?

With that in mind, middle age is a time when both men and women begin contemplating the age-old question, what have I done with my life?

So, I ask you:

 What have you done with your life?

I do agree with Erickson’s broad psychosocial summary of middle age issues.  Myself as an example, I am not married and I do not have children.  Even if I were to get married tomorrow, I do not know how I feel about producing a child who would receive his/her kindergarten diploma the same year that I receive my AARP card.  Additionally, it would  be dangerous to go through menopause at the same time my child was going through adolescence.  Our home would not be big enough for both of our mood swings and one of us would eventually have to go.

However, I have invested in the lives of many, many children over my lifetime so for me there is not a sense of loss in the generativity capacity.  On the contrary, it is very fulfilling to reflect on my life and know that I have contributed in some capacity to the future generation on a broad scale. I know this because many of them are still in contact with me.  At the same time, I also know there is still much more to accomplish.  I cannot top the first half of my life, so my middle age question becomes this:  exactly what do I do with the second half of my life? 

People who are very self-absorbed at this age are unhappiest and most apt to find middle age a negative thing. People who fail to invest all or a portion of themselves in some one (people) or some thing (causes) become stagnant, unsure, without a sense of purpose, and possibly a haunting sense of failure.  Selfish people do not realize the gift they are given and the value that each day – or for that matter each breath - life has to offer.  

Success in middle age then, is a matter of 
inhaling the gift of life,

then finding a way to exhale it to the world.

You will find that life itself has leveled the playing field in middle age.  If you do not believe it, just attend your next class reunion.  No one has an unfair advantage or disadvantage.  Your success or failure depends solely on whether you choose legacy or lethargy for the next 20-40-60 years.  So, think of your life/legacy as a valuable piece of a time capsule to be found by the future generations!  Invest first and foremost in your faith and family.  Then answer these simple questions:

What valuable lessons have I learned along the way?  
What wrongs have I righted?  
What would I improve for the next generation?
What beauty worth sharing have I found in the world? In life? In love? In living day-to-day?  

Find a way to share it with the world!  Someone may never have the opportunity to experience something but though your legacy.  Write it, draw it, speak it, etch-a-sketch it, paint it, dance it, sing it, give it, live it, build it, design it, but just make sure you do not leave a legacy of lethargy!  

DO IT AND SHARE IT!  

Life is the only gift we receive that is required to be given away to others!

If you choose legacy, then go after it with all the vim and vigor you can muster with these decaying old bodies of ours!  Beat out every drop of life with your cane! I strongly suggest you order your all-terrain Hoveround® today like I did, so you won’t miss a beat! 

     ~Solissea

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Cultivating Middle Age