Cultivating Middle Age Wisely: REALationships

It’s a new age for relationships created by social networking. While social networking is useful in some respects, if not used wisely, it can give a false sense of connectivity, as well as  be counterproductive to the goal of fostering, refining and nurturing real relationships, or as I like to call them, REALationships. True relationships cannot be cultivated in 164 characters or less, nor can they blossom in an atmosphere of zero accountability. They can begin there, but they cannot be cultivated there. So, unless you are planning on being a self-sufficient, wi-fi-toting, cave-dwelling recluse, you still need to cultivate REAL relationships with REAL people who will walk with you through this messy thing called LIFE!

IS TECHNOLOGY CHANGING RELATIONSHIPS?

In an article published in The Huffington Post titled, Relationships 2.0: How Technology Redefines How We Connect, Dr. Jim Taylor talks about the differences between virtual relationships and real relationships. He states:

Just like the use of the old term, virtual reality, many people in Relationships 2.0 have what I believe are virtual relationships, yet consider them to be real relationships. Virtual relationships have all the appearances of real relationships, but they are missing essential elements that make real relationships, well, real, namely, three dimensionality, facial expressions, voice inflection, clear emotional messages, gestures, body language, physical contact, and pheromones.

He goes on to say:

These limitations don't mean that we shouldn't have virtual relationships; they can serve a valuable purpose in both our personal and professional lives. But my worry is that people are substituting real relationships for virtual ones. Rather than being just a small subset of their relationships, virtual relationships come to dominate their relationship universe. I often see groups of teenagers sitting together, but not talking, only texting. I wonder if they are texting each other!

Yes Virginia, technology is changing the way we connect with each other.  I agree with Dr. Taylor on the point that social networking is a valuable tool, both for keeping in touch with friends and family and for business connections, but it is not good for relationship cultivation. Dr. Taylor says this about that:

People can fulfill many of their needs for connection and affiliation through virtual relationships. They can present their best faces to their online community. They can get support from a vast number of people. Virtual relationships are also easy and safe. Easy because you don't have to leave your room. Safe because of their anonymity and your ability to just hit End or Delete when you want out. But they certainly lack the richness and satisfaction of real relationships.

During middle age, it is absolutely vital that we refresh our skills of cultivating REALationships. If nothing else, you will need at least four or five friends to carry your casket, and I guarantee an all-call to your Facebook friends will yield many “thoughts and prayers” for your family, but few who will actually show up to do the job!

So how do we cultivate the REALationships we already have and the new ones we may make through our technological connections? It actually gets easier in middle age because most of the need for pretense has been diminished if not destroyed completely, and that is half the battle right there! But just as a refresher, here are a few suggestions:

Be Genuine. Everyone wears different hats during the course of the day or week and so we sometimes feel like we are different things to different people. That is not a bad thing if regardless of which hat you are wearing there is a genuine person underneath it. Being genuine means being real and vulnerable; it means you make mistakes, occasionally say or do the wrong thing, or even do something right that gets misunderstood and have to bite your tongue until it bleeds. Being genuine makes you human, and being human invites connections at the heart level.

Listen and Communicate. Both the art of listening and communication are necessary for healthy relationships. Some people talk more than they listen, or listen more than they talk, so the way to cultivate healthy REALationships is to find the proper balance between the two. It may be different with each person, but take the time to find out which balance of listening and communication is needed to nurture each relationship you have be it family, friend, spouse, business or other.

Forgiveness/Grace. We are all human and therefore, we all make mistakes. By middle age, most of us have made some real doozies! Real friends stick with you or even walk through the muddy waters of life with you. At the very least, they offer encouragement and a towel when you finally come out from the mud puddle if they are not able to jump in themselves to guide you out. You may correct one another, even be firm with one another, but forgiveness and grace means withholding judgment because you understand your own fallibility and so you are able to look beyond the error of their ways to the person that you know they are.

Accountability. Own your mistakes!  Nothing breaks trust in a relationship more than never “owning up” to your own mistakes or shortcomings.  Remember, no one is perfect, including the person you are afraid of admitting something to.  If you make a mistake – and own it – and someone walks away from you as a result, they were probably not tied to your destiny anyway and you are now free to spend your energies cultivating the relationships that offer you unconditional acceptance and love. On the flipside, if you make a mistake and try to cover it up or play the blame game, you may lose that person’s trust for a long time or damage the relationship permanently. 

Practice Compassion. Understanding without judgment and caring without criticism. Practice it because it is oftentimes easier to be compassionate with strangers than with friends or even family. Rule of thumb: the most unlovable people, are the ones who need love the most. Cultivate compassion in ALL of your relationships.

Take Time! Time is a precious commodity in middle age and so is attention span which has its direct effect on our memory! But try this: next time you have five minutes, look out your window whether you’re at work or at home. Five minutes. Slow down your mind long enough to really look at the trees and the birds and the colors, see the detail in the houses and buildings and the color of the cars that drive by and the hue of the sky and notice any animals that flutter by. Feel the calming effect of really focusing on the moment and the sense the immediate connectivity you feel to your surroundings. 

Now, do this with your relationships. Take time to really pay attention to the person you are with. Be present with them. Don’t necessarily count their individual nose hairs, but pay close attention to the things that matter: what are they saying and what emotion is being expressed beyond their words? If five minutes of looking outside and paying attention to your surroundings can make you feel connected to the outside world, can you imagine how much it can do to strengthen and deepen the connection in your relationships?

Know your boundaries.Truth is, we learn by middle age that some bridges need to be burned. You may forgive someone a wrong they have done to you without inviting their unhealthy behavior back into your life, especially if the person refuses to own their bad behavior or mistakes. You know what you can handle and what you cannot so make no apology for knowing your boundaries.

Dr. Taylor sums up his article with this profound thought:

Though there is a place for online relationships, they are no substitute for the depth and breadth of real, flesh-and-blood relationships where you can see, hear, smell, touch, and sense the other person. Yes, real relationships can get messy, with hurt feelings, anger, frustration, and disappointment. But they're like two sides of the same coin; you can't have the beauty of relationships - love, joy, excitement, and contentment - without also being willing to accept its occasional blood, sweat, and tears.  And I challenge anyone who can show me that virtual relationships can provide that.

Only REALationships will sustain and nurture you through the difficult times and increase your joy exponentially in the good times. Take the time to cultivate, refine and nurture your REALationships.  It is the smartest investment you’ll ever make!

If all of that seems just too complicated, then simply follow this advice:

"Dear friends, let us love one another..."

1John 4:7 

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~

Prayer of Saint Francis of Assisi

    Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
    Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
    where there is injury,pardon;
    where there is doubt, faith;
    where there is despair, hope;
    where there is darkness, light;
    and where there is sadness, joy.

    O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
    to be consoled as to console;
    to be understood as to understand;
    to be loved as to love.
    For it is in giving that we receive;
    it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
    and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life. Amen

~Solissea

Next Post: Cultivating Grace

Cultivating Middle Age Wisely: Health

Death is surely inevitable, but I do believe you can live far longer than the average life expectancy, which, in the US, is around 78. Genetics may play a role, but is NOT the final determining factor for whether you'll live a long healthy life.

Barring an accident, your lifestyle has everything to do with your longevity. It's already been established that diet can override genetic predispositions for disease, for example, so don't fall into the trap of believing your health and longevity is somehow the inevitable result of what's in your gene pool. 

~Dr. Joseph Mercola, If You Want to Age Gracefully - Don't Eat This

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For me, it is not about living longer, it is about living the years we are given well.

I had such a difficult time writing this blog because there is so much information out there to share about middle age and health.  I could regurgitate facts and figures, statistics and percentages, but the bottom line is we all know by now what to do as far as diet and exercise to promote, foster and refine our health.  It is just a matter of getting motivated to do the things we already know to do.

I believe the quote above in all its simplicity says it all: Take care of your body, it's the only place you have to live!  So, whether you end up in a nursing home or living independently at home, your body is your primary residence and, as such, should be given high priority.  We cannot stop the decline, but we can do our part to live well the years we are given.

WAKE UP CALL

Researchers at the University of Michigan and the RAND Corp. analyzed information from the 1997 to 2007 National Health Interview Survey and found that more than 40 percent of people ages 50 to 64 reported having difficulty doing one of nine physical functions, such as stooping, standing for two hours, walking a quarter mile or climbing 10 steps without resting. The study, published in the April edition of the journal Health Affairs, also found that some middle-aged respondents - less than 2 percent, but growing - need help with personal care activities. Those include getting out of bed, using the toilet and shopping for groceries.

The national study didn't pinpoint a root cause of the increase in disabilities among middle-aged people, but local health care providers list these as the biggest reasons: obesity, sedentary lifestyles and lack of preventive medical care.

There really is no one formula that fits all.  Every person has their own set of health issues to contend with determined by genetics and lifestyle.  Personally, I made a commitment to myself when I turned 45, that I would enter the next decade as healthy as possible.  I am not a dieter, but I did alter both my eating habits and exercise regimen and a little over one year later I am in the best shape of my life.  I call it, the

MIDDLE AGE EX-FACTOR!

EX-AMINE YOURSELF

What are your health issues both current and what may be forthcoming through the glorious gene pool?  Heart disease? Diabetes? Joint/bone issues? Hypertension? Identify your issues and educate yourself on the causes and cures.  At the very least, you can minimize their effect on your aging with a little effort on your part.  Do not compare yourself to others - you are unique.  Your goal should be optimal health for you and it may not include or even look like someone else's level of optimal health.  You have to take care of you.  Knowledge is power. Empower yourself to change the course of your health!

EX-ERCISE

Like it or not, our bodies were created for movement!  If they were not, we wouldn't have been given movable parts! Of the four leading causes of premature aging and death (obesity, high blood pressure, diabetes and high cholesterol), all of them can be minimized if not eliminated altogether simply through exercise. A good program of aerobic exercise and strength/resistance training will do wonders for your body at this age.  You don't have to train for a marathon (unless you want to) but you should be able to do enough to help your body protect itself from a fall or injury.  Additionally, if an unexpected health event such as heart attack or stroke should happen, your recovery success will depend largely on your overall health condition prior to the event.  Consider improving your current health as a preventative measure!

 EX-PECT RESULTS

Do not buy into the belief that once the middle age spread or decline begins, there is nothing you can do about it.  You can lose weight.  You can minimize or eliminate any internal health issues.  If you require medicine, take it!  But don't stop looking for healthy alternatives.  The most important element of changing and maintaining your health is: don't give up!  If you  you try something and it doesn't work, try something else! If you enter middle age with some type of structural injury (back, knees, neck, etc.) then you just have to be more creative with your choices, but optimal health is still possible.

ONE FINAL THOUGHT...

Cultivating Middle Age Wisely: Giving

To cultivate simply means to promote growth, to nurture, foster or refine. These are not  typical words when describing traditional middle age years. The two most common words are decline and decrease. In our effort to redefine middle age, it is apparent that there needs to be a change of thinking as well as vocabulary!

To think of middle age as the adolescence of old age, cultivation becomes necessary. Unlike youthful adolescence, middle-agers have acquired knowledge, wisdom, skills, humor, and a plethora of other resources that were not available in youth. The benefit of this is that middle-agers do not have to spend time learning most things pertaining to life since they have already done that. Middle-agers possess the valuable experience of trial and error to know what works and what does not work for their lives.  Whether it is put into practice or not is entirely up to to the individual! We must cultivate what we have and bring it to a higher level.

To better navigate this stage of life, our descriptive words should no longer be decline and decrease. Instead,  place these new words above the dreaded “D” words:

Promote - to further or encourage the progress or existence of; to raise to a higher rank, status, degree, etc;

Foster - to care for or cherish; and

Refine - to bring to a fine or a pure state; free from impurities; to become more fine, elegant, or polished.

Develop the habit of using these words in place of other negative words when thinking about middle age.

GENERATIVITY

According to Erikson's Eight Stages of Psychosocial Development, the primary issue of middle age is generativity.  In essence,  generativity is a concern for others developed during middle age, especially a need to nurture and guide younger people and contribute to the next generation. This is often expressed as finding a way to “live on” after we’re gone. 

There are five areas of life we will examine over the next few posts that will greatly enhance the quality of these middle age years and help contribute to a greater sense of generativity: 1) giving; 2) health; 3) relationships; 4) grace; and 5) faith. Of course there are more, but these five will cover a myriad of middle age issues.

CULTIVATE GIVING

He looked up and saw the rich dropping their offerings into the temple treasury. He also saw a poor widow dropping in two tiny coins. "I tell you the truth," He said. "This poor widow has put in more than all of them. For all these people have put in gifts out of their surplus, but she out of her poverty has put in all she had to live on." Luke 21:1-4

Our training, for the greater portion of our lives, has taught us to believe that it is better to give out of our surplus or abundance.  As a result, we spend most of our lives trying to fill our barrels if not cause them to overflow, which makes our idea of giving conditional: if we have surplus, we give - if we do not not have surplus, we do not give.  Middle-agers today though, may find their barrels are neither full nor overflowing due to factors such as the economy, raising young children or having children in college, being sandwiched in between children and aging parents, or simply struggling to survive as a single person. At a time in their lives when they feel their barrels are being depleted of resources rather than accumulating, how can we refine the concept of  giving in order to accomplish a sense of generativity?

In an essay titled Through Giving You Shall Receive by a Romanian Christian monk, Nicolae Steinhardt, he tells the story of a man who sought entry into a monastery even though he did not feel qualified for entry. This man went to the abbot and humbly declared:

Know, Father, that I have neither faith nor light, nor essence, nor courage, nor trust in myself, and I cannot be of any help to myself, much less to any others; I have nothing.

In the world's economy of giving, this man would surely be declined entry. Instead, the enlightened abbot replied:

What does that have to do with anything? You have no faith, have no light; giving them to others you will have them, too. In searching them for another, you will gain them for yourself. Your brother, your neighbor and fellow man, to him you are duty bound to help with what you do not have.

GIVE WHAT YOU DO NOT HAVE

I admit. I admire the Bill Gates' and Warren Buffett's of this world. I would love to be in a position to be able to give 99% of my livelihood away and live as comfortably as they do on 1%. It is certainly a noble and admirable thing in this day and age and I applaud their success. 

But, if I waited until I achieved extraordinary wealth, I would never be able to give.

I also deeply admire Mother Theresa who had no monetary wealth to speak of, but sacrificed her entire life to give to the poor and the sick. However, at this time of my life I barely have enough time to complete a thought some days!

But, if I wait until I have time to dedicate my life to some type of charitable work, I would never be able to give.

Warren Buffett and Mother Theresa are two extreme examples of giving. The vast majority of us live somewhere in the middle. Yet, truth be told, we can give nonetheless and are without excuse if we do not. Giving out of the surplus of our barrels of time, talent or treasure is not an indication of generous heart. As we learned from Jesus in the scripture above, those who give from their lack are considered most generous.

THE PARADOX OF GIVING

The paradox of giving is that you can give your time, talent or treasure to a cause that is near to your heart, even if you do not feel you have anything to give. A willing and humble heart, a passion for your cause, and making yourself available will get you started. In God's economy, if you give from your lack, you will receive so that you may continue to give it away regardless of whether it is your time, talent or treasure!

So, what is your passion? What do you lack? What is that one thing that moves your soul and connects you to something outside of yourself? What new way can you be of help or service to your family? Friends? Community? World?

It is well worth the effort to take a moment to foster new ideas about your own generativity.  Once you identify your passion, take no consideration of your ability or inability to give.

Simply Start Giving.

Next Post: Cultivating Health in Middle Age